All About Alison
As Written By Her Little Brother Greg Haislip (@ghaislip)
As her fans know, Alison was born and raised in New Jersey, where she started harvesting all of her current character traits. Her life was rudely interrupted 3 years into it by the birth of her younger brother, Greg. For the first time in her life, Alison was no longer the center of attention, and it immediately ignited her desire to re-attain the spotlight. After the first couple years of unease, she realized that the best way to get along with her younger sibling was through the magical world of video games.
Sporting complementary gaming skills, Greg was enlisted as Alison’s full time virtual sidekick. He would go on to guide her through the treacherous dungeons of The Legend of Zelda and Final Fantasy, although given Alison’s later involvement in numerous car accidents, a greater emphasis on racing games may have been called for. Author’s Note: I’d be remiss (i.e., Alison would yell at me) if I failed to mention that most of these accidents were not her fault.
In addition to keeping Hyrule safe for democracy, Alison was putting herattention-seeking ways to good use by taking up the theatre. It soon consumed her life, as she became a traitor to her hometown team, and went to Boston College to study acting. I can’t really say too much of what happened during those years, and I don’t think she remembers much of it either, as large quantities of alcohol where apparently consumed.
Well, moving on…
Post graduation, Alison moved to Los Angeles to strike it rich. Independent films (The Indian, Wasted) and spots on television shows (Reno 911, I Hate My 30s) all kept the dream alive, while those of us that happened to be relatedto her put some of her other work far from our minds (Pieces of Ass, Hotties). To fuel her spotlight hunger as well as her perpetual desire to be awesome, Alison decided that she would combine work and play.
Working as a bartender at a humble tavern that you should never go to sober (the aptly named 3rd Stop), she became the trusty beer wench for many employees at G4. The G4 team was so impressed by how easily she threw back a beer (or three) that they soon offered her a job in front of the camera. (Her Nintendo necklace, camera friendliness, and uncanny ability to read words off a teleprompter while still looking human may have also played a part in this decision).
Nowadays, Alison is usually finding new projects (check out The Donner Party, that is, if eating people is your type of thing), playing her red piano, discovering ways to relate to ninjas (American Ninja Warrior), stealing herself for whatever randomness happens to be on the docket this week with Attack of the Show, and using both her Wii and Xbox 360 to prepare for the upcoming zombie apocalypse.
What The Critics* Have To Say About Alison:
If Tinkerbell made love to an X-Box, the lovechild would be Alison. -Imogen
With the way she eats, she’s going to have fat babies. – @johnny1lung
She never let me take her to dinner….therefore she is the smartest person I know. – Alex
She makes one of the best milkshakes I’ve ever had. – @ZacharyLevi
There are many great people from New Jersey, and if you were to ask around you’d get a lot of good answers, “Buzz Aldrin, Grover Cleveland, Travolta, Springsteen, Sinatra…”. But if you asked me, I’d say, “Haislip.” – Thomas
When I tried to give her advice to travel with carry-on only for our cruise so that we could get on and off the ship quicker, her response was “Well, THAT’S not happening!” – Aunt Lorraine
The only chick who can out-quote me in Star Wars, while kicking my ass in Wii boxing. – Jim.
That woman has the alcohol tolerance of a Soviet Era tank. – @therealcliffyb
Alison is living proof that not everyone from Jersey is tan. – Susan
If my car broke down, I’d call Alison – mainly because she is in my phone before the auto club. – Hillary
When Alison was about 5 years old, she was having lunch at my house and didn’t want to eat. I mentioned that old tale about some kids starving because they had no food. I thought that would have an effect. but no…she immediately answered, “I never saw any kids starving.” I didn’t expect that answer from a 5 year old, but it was true, she never saw starving kids. This is my smart-ass granddaughter. – MomMom
Odin grew his beard because he heard Alison likes dudes with facial hair. -@blairherter
I’ve never known a girl with more guy trouble. Guys — accept that she’s always going to be better than you at math and let her drive…you’re going on the trip of a lifetime. -Clara
Alison is a dangerous, dangerous woman who may very well steal your heart and your wallet. – Chris
She’s always had a hankering for my cousin. – @HannahClaus
Like a great movie, the third act twist with this one will leave your head spinning and lead to hours of discussion afterwards…everything you’ve seen up to this point takes a blunt turnaround and begins to contradict what we have previously conceived. A classic, indeed. A classic for the masses, perhaps/perhaps not. But a classic, indeed. – Kacie
Who? – Kev
* “critics” may mean random family members and friends.